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I used to roll the dice, feel the fear in my enemy's eyes. [29 Aug 2010|06:44pm]
[ mood | contemplative ]

I've been thinking a lot lately about normal.

I'm not normal. I'm a very peculiar person. But I have my own version of normal, and my life has settled into it. I work, I play video games, I read an incredible amount of books and plays, I dream big dreams, I plan theatre, I write, I apply for scholarships, I dream more and more, I cook, I smoke, I drink, I party, I walk long walks, I have sex, I love, I keep on dreaming.

My normal right now is sedate. It's relaxing. I like worrying about little things like decorating my own room and what to read next. I've liked watching my friends go back to school and the relief at knowing that that's not me anymore and doesn't have to be me ever again if I don't want it to be, I can do my learning at my own pace now and tackle what I want to.

Why then in my head do I feel guilt for this lovely life I'm building? Do I worry that it's not enough, that I won't be active enough in my dreams to follow through and make things happen, that the ideas I have for shows and roles and characters and scripts won't ever come to fruition? Why can't I just trust in myself that I have the integrity and ethic and creativity to make the work I love happen?

I hate the voices in my head that get on my case when I'm just trying to relax. They make it harder for me to be motivated out of the desire to just create something. It gets perverted into a desire to make something because if I don't, I'm a failure. And I want to do work I love because it makes me happy to do it. I don't want to force myself to make work and remove myself from the happiness I once had in it.

I'm really looking forward to Shakespeare and Company now. It's a dream coming true, one I've had for a long time. I'll be up there and I won't have to worry about guilt, I'll just have to worry about acting and being and learning as truly as possible. It will be, I think, something of a relief. All the things I love doing at an incredible place and maybe doing work good enough that those guilty voices will shut their mouths and leave me alone to trust me to place my future in my own hands.

And now I'm bored of my musings! So I give you:


And also:



1 Traveler rode in the Tardis|Fancy a trip?

Benny [15 Aug 2010|12:31pm]
[ mood | sad but okay ]

And just as I got done writing that entry...

Ben, also known as Odin the One-Eyed, passed away sometime early Saturday. My family was coming back from Maine and so he was in a kennel, but it sounds like he went quietly and in his sleep, which is all I could have asked for other than that I wish I could have said goodbye. He was an old dog, and he was my dog, and one of the dearest people in my life. And I'm going to miss the hell out of him.

(a.k.a. Odin the One-Eyed, Benius Maximus)
April 1999 - August 14th, 2010.

I love you, baby.


3 Travelers rode in the Tardis|Fancy a trip?

We've all got our junk, and my junk is you! [15 Aug 2010|12:18pm]
[ mood | content ]

It's been a while.

I've been okay. Not great, but okay. Sometimes wonderful, sometimes horrible, but mostly just good. Which is quite nice, actually. I've not been "just good" in a while. It's nice to have a life that's settled into a sort of day-to-day routine. My recovery has been having some bumps recently, but overall progress has been slow but steady. I see a nutritionist and a therapist once a week.

In about a month, I'll be heading up to Massachusetts for the professional semester-long conservatory with Shakespeare and Company, the granddaddy of all Shakespeare companies in the U.S. This place is seriously legit - I'll be taking classes in acting, stage combat, clown, Shakespearean rhetoric, period dance, and Linklater technique, which is a special vocal coaching that one of the leaders of the company actually invented. There's also the guarantee that I'll be appearing in a Shakespearean play by semester's end as the culmination of the program, and there's also education work we'll be doing with high school kids. I have no idea what to expect in terms of how classes will be run, so I'm completely thrilled and a little terrified at the same time. I'll be gone for thirteen weeks and hopefully I'll come out the end of it fully prepared to take on the professional acting world. Honestly, it's about time. I need to stop retreating into classes and education and man up and make a career for myself out of this. Somehow, someway. Doesn't necessarily have to be in acting, I don't have to be a big star to be happy. The goal right now is to someday be able to make a living doing what I love most, and I think that's the most anyone can ask for.

I've got a great job at a neat little specialty store and restaurant called Beer Run, whose claim to fame is the widest selection of beer in Charlottesville and holy shit they do in fact have EVERYTHING. In the month I've worked there, I've drunk more beer in more types than I have in all my prior years of drinking. I've even figured out which kinds I like, which is astonishing as I always thought I didn't like beer. (Best way to spend a slow shift: going through this week's brews on taps and sampling.) I don't get enough shifts to keep me anywhere above the poverty line, but the people are wonderful, I get free beer and sandwiches on the job, and sometimes people even are kind enough to tip me. Plus, I can come back to the job after my soujourn in the fall, so YAY.

And I've got a boyfriend who I'm happy to have as the person I see first and last every day and who I'm pretty much madly in love with. It's amusing and a little bit facepalm-worthy to look back six or seven months ago and see what I was writing about him and how little I knew where I'd end up by the summer. He's been my rock and my fellow adventurer and my playmate and my friend, and maybe the only person I feel fully comfortable around right now still.

I'm going to try to get into updating more often. I want to get back into chronicling my life a little more, try and remind myself that day to day right now is really what counts. Future plans are wonderful and all well and good, but it's also okay to live in the moment and be happy with a simple life for right now. I'm still so jetlagged from college, and this summer has been so chill and full of adventures and I think that the next year will be too. I want to enjoy it as long as it lasts.


1 Traveler rode in the Tardis|Fancy a trip?

This is what it means. [16 Jun 2010|07:39pm]
[ mood | hungry ]

Cut for ED triggersCollapse )



Open the gates and seize the day! [24 May 2010|07:18am]
[ mood | exanimate ]

Finished Henry IV.

Graduated college.

Now off to Puerto Rico.



2 Travelers rode in the Tardis|Fancy a trip?

I Want To Have A Perfect Summer [21 May 2010|12:29pm]
[ mood | mellow ]

Think I can make this one happen.

I graduate in two days.


Fancy a trip?

[19 Mar 2010|01:39pm]
[ mood | indescribable ]

I'm in trouble and I'm really, really scared.

If you ever turned around, you'd see me. [25 Feb 2010|10:20pm]
[ mood | nervous ]

Oh god, boyo. Please don't break my heart.

I put up walls this time around. I've been trying to protect myself. I don't...I don't want to do that anymore. I want to crack slightly. I think I need to. If I'm going to get through all the bullshit I'm putting myself through right now, I have to be willing to break a little. He's been giving. My turn.

Balls out then, I guess.


2 Travelers rode in the Tardis|Fancy a trip?

You turn me into somebody loved. [14 Feb 2010|11:13pm]
[ mood | drunk ]

Yes, I know it's a stupid holiday, but I love it so. Even just spending it with myself and a bottle of wine and Mr. Darcy (my one true love.) Someday I'll spend this silly holiday with someone else. Right now I'm just savoring the possibilities of the future and hoping that maybe this week will be as good as the last.

"I can forget my very existence in a deep kiss of you."
-Byron Caldwell Smith

"I love you, not for what you are, but for what I am when I am with you."
-Roy Croft

"The best thing about me is you."
-Shannon Crown

"I get the best feeling in the world when you say hi or even smile at me because I know, even if it's just for a second, that I've crossed your mind."

"The course of true love never did run smooth."
-William Shakespeare

"A kiss is a lovely trick, designed by nature, to stop words when speech becomes superfluous."
-Ingrid Bergman

"Thou art to me a delicious torment."
-Ralph Waldo Emerson

"When you came, you were like red wine and honey, and the taste of you burnt my mouth with its sweetness."
-Amy Lowell

"Doubt thou the stars are fire,
Doubt the sun doth move,
Doubt truth to be a liar
But never doubt my love."
-William Shakespeare

"I have slept with you,
and on waking, your mouth,
come from your dream,
gave me the taste of earth,
of sea water, of seaweed,
of the depths of your life,
and I received your kiss
moistened by the dawn
as if it came to me
from the sea that surrounds us."
-Pablo Neruda


Fancy a trip?

You and me walk on, walk on. [02 Feb 2010|12:18am]
[ mood | anxious ]

I got my Stanislavski and Shakespeare independent study cleared, and because I am so pleased with it I'm posting the syllabus I designed for myself up here. Lord knows I don't use this journal for much else anymore. So yes.

Drama Independent StudyCollapse )

Already done a bunch of the Stanislavski reading, though that's the kind of stuff I'll have to refer to lots to really get it to sink in. I'll start with Richard III by the end of this week - a few of the plays are new and a few are ones that I just thought would be particularly appropriate for this kind of research.

Also to keep me busy this last semester, setting a new goal for myself: an impressive reading list and paying more attention to the world around me. I need to start reading the newspaper every day, or at least keep checking Google News. It's shameful that I know as little about the world around me as I do. Need to be educated more, darn it. In terms of reading list, first up is Anna Karenina. Suggestions on challenging reading you enjoy, F-list?

A horrible confession: I'm up to about four cups of coffee a day right now. It is my sweet caffeine release and so far the only thing that keeps me from going round the bend and huddling up in my room eating Ben and Jerry's every night. Must keep myself from falling into a stupor. God, what the hell do people actually do with free time! It's freaking me out. Need to get involved in more things. Ballroom dance classes should help. Or a job. This is all assuming I don't get cast in the community production of Henry IV, and it's all really moot, because if I don't get a role I might wander off into the wilderness and never be heard from again. -.-

I really am turning into the stereotype of a disturbed artist. All I need is the drug addiction and the all-black wardrobe.


2 Travelers rode in the Tardis|Fancy a trip?

You wouldn't recognize me, for the light in my eyes is strange. [11 Jan 2010|02:34pm]
[ mood | determined ]

I finally sat down with my mother today and finally told her what exactly I want to do with the next five years of my life, which is amazing to me because I had no idea a week ago what that precisely was. This whole semester has been me agonizing over what to do after I graduate from college, because I have no idea and there are so many options and so much I want to do, travel and explore the world and find a theatre company somewhere up in the northeast to be a part of and be in Shakespeare plays and get my MFA.

But I finally know now what I want.

I want to take a bunch of fun courses this semester, stuff I actually want to do. I want to act my movie role and see where that leads me. I want to audition for the two productions I have planned right now, and also for a number of internship-level positions at a few theatre companies I've been sending off my resume to. I want to get a better paying job if my schedule allows it and start saving up for either aforementioned internships or for a summer adventure traveling around Europe. I want to graduate college with honors. I want to find a way to be involved in a professional production or with a professional company for summer or fall. And then in the fall, I want to start my applications for MFA acting or Shakespeare programs for 2011.

This is good. This is a plan. I like plans. I like having goals to work towards. And for the first time in a long time, I feel like I know where I'm headed. The panic that's been pressing in at the pit of my stomach everytime I think about the future is easing up slightly. There are still questions I have for myself - I want to travel abroad so badly, Germany, Italy, Ireland, France, Argentina, Turkey, Russia, Austria, Bali, Australia, New Zealand, when will I get a chance to do that? - but that's right now being put alongside the main objective of finding a post-graduate program. I'll do that and save up and lord knows I know how to travel cheap, so sometime in the next few years I'll find a way to take two months and make adventures happen.

There's so much to do and to see, it blows my mind. I've just begun to realize how terribly ambitious I am. I want so much from life, to see the world and really, really make my place in it. I want to see and be seen, to live every day fully and be able to look back even a few years from now and know that I'm not wasting any of my time. I want to know that I'll have really lived after I leave this world. I'm off to a great start - spent the last week in a flipping rainforest, and that just blows my mind. And I know I'll find a way to keep exploring, the world and the depths of knowledge and my art and myself.

I can do this. I know I can.


Fancy a trip?

Triple Whammy [11 Dec 2009|05:29pm]
[ mood | dorky ]

I miss my play very much but in the good way that everytime I think about it I start smiling and giggling to myself and reciting all the lines in my head. Okay, maybe not a *good* way. More in the "Wow, I need a new project to distract me right the hell now" way.

I am in the middle of a spiritual crisis, which is bordered with increasing wonder as to whether or not I am, quite literally, insane, or at least suffering some sort of stress disorder.

And I have no one special to call my own and am frankly a little bit needy on the intimacy front. It's a combination of emotional loneliness and okay-it's-been-a-while syndrome.

So I'm longing to do theatre and worked up and stressed out and bored and twitchy and full of energy and nostalgic and unmotivated and varying between being quite depressed and manic happy and I guess what I'm trying to say is...

...It is really fun to be writing a big essay on sex, religion, and Measure for Measure right now.



1 Traveler rode in the Tardis|Fancy a trip?

I don't want to be friends! [06 Dec 2009|05:46am]
[ mood | frustrated ]

Oh, what the fuck, Universe. Really? REALLY?

::beats her head against a wall::

For fuck's sake, WHY do I always manage to get myself in these situations. WHY.

Actually, it could have gone much worst, the party was amazing, good time, great friends, lots of drinking, but oh my god boys are so dumb.

GOING TO BED NOW. It is about time. Mmph.


4 Travelers rode in the Tardis|Fancy a trip?

Caught in a bad romance. [04 Dec 2009|03:29pm]
[ mood | drained ]

This semester has apparently been a little bit too much, because brain is shutting down and absolutely refusing to cooperate. I keep getting lightheaded and if I blink too long I have to wake myself up from a spontaneous five-minute nap. I'm not apathetic, I still care about things, but I keep putting off everything I need to do and think about. My directing project is coming up fast and I still need to think about staging the bloody thing, I have three papers due along with written component of aforementioned directing project, all my theatre conference applications really need to be turned in sooner rather than use. My motivation is just gone.

My housemates joke that I'm still going through the breakup with "Measure for Measure." I laugh but there's a measure of truth in it. I miss that play so goddamn much. At least I get to see everyone (well, mostly everyone) tomorrow for the last big Shakespeare on the Lawn party of the semester. (It will be scandalous and I am looking forward to it so much.)

I've been increasingly perplexed at the number of people who think that my sex life is apparently raucous and wild, just because I'm a) in SotL, b) living in the Spretz, or c) a strong authoritative vagina. I've been correcting people's assumptions a lot lately. No, I'm actually pretty much completely chaste. No, really. I don't get out. Ever. At all. The wild parties at my house usually result in me holding someone's head over a toilet or preventing other people from making drunken mistakes, rather than making any of my own. I've been working on fixing that recently, but it's been a struggle.

Everyone looks so surprised when I correct them. Do I really give off that much of a vibe? Honestly. Some people.

Need to be writing a paper right now. Okay, god. Two more weeks. I can do this. Mmph.


Fancy a trip?

WUHT! [30 Nov 2009|09:41pm]
[ mood | excited ]


I was cast as the lead in a small independent film a few weeks ago, which was exciting enough. But I found out today that the position is a paid one.

Paid, as in...I'm going to be a professional actor.

Holy shit, y'all!!!


5 Travelers rode in the Tardis|Fancy a trip?

Tempter never. [29 Nov 2009|04:03pm]
[ mood | exhausted ]

"To whom should I complain? Did I tell this,
Who would believe me? O perilous mouths
That bear in them one and the self-same tongue,
Either of condemnation or approof!
Bidding the law make courtesy to their will,
Hooking both right and wrong to the appetite
To follow as it draws. I'll to my brother;
Though he hath fallen by prompture of the blood,
Yet hath he in him such a mind of honor
That had he twenty heads to tender down
On twenty bloody blocks, he'ld yield them up
Before his sister should her body stoop
To such abhorr'd pollution.
Then, Isabel, live chaste, and brother die.
More than our brother is our chastity.
I'll tell him yet of Angelo's request,
And fit his mind to death, for his soul's rest."

--Measure for Measure, II.4.

Trying to get up the strength to fill out my "grad school" (in essence) applications. Just...can't. Too tired still. Three months of constant activity is hitting me all at once and I'm just wiped. I really want to be doing things right now, but everytime I try to get off the couch I fall over. So we'll be stopping that now. I dislike swooning like a Victorian heroine.


2 Travelers rode in the Tardis|Fancy a trip?

She'll be the cutest doll in all the world! [28 Nov 2009|03:40pm]
[ mood | groggy ]

To avoid thinking about things, I have taken to making sound cues for future theatrical projects. I am exceedingly proud of the one I've done that's meant to reflect a character's turbulent state of mind by merging a New York City soundscape into a recording of Michael Buble singing "Paper Doll" which then slows down and fades out. I'll be using it in my final Directing project scene at the end of the semester.

Yes, my Theatrical Nerdness is at a +7, thank you for asking.

I wish I had discovered this program BEFORE M4M - my sound tech ended up showing it to me and he used it to great advantage to make all the cues I had given him AWESOME and easy, buuuuuuut if I had had it I could have gotten all the fade ins and cut bits done perfectly and thus am frustrated. Ah well!


1 Traveler rode in the Tardis|Fancy a trip?

What's yet behind, that's meet you all should know. [23 Nov 2009|08:58pm]
[ mood | rejected ]

Measure for Measure was great. It was as good as I'd hoped it'd be, and better. So different from what I'd originally pictured and yet exactly what I wanted. Were there things I would change, moments I wish could have been more worked, another week of rehearsal I wish I could have had? Of course. But for what it was, it was amazing. It was a good, good show, and I am so proud of it and all of my cast members. (We got compared favorably to the American Shakespeare Center, WHAT UP!)

But now I'm in that period wherein I got used to seeing a group of twenty-five or so people every day for the past seven weeks, from an hour to four to eight a day. And now no one is around and I just...don't know how to deal. I'm bored and I'm lonely, and I apparently could have fucked up a friendship that I didn't realize was as important to me as it is. I came out of this production still friends with everyone, which is more than I'd hoped for, and I know in a week I can call people up and we'll hang out, but right now everyone needs down time away from each other. We need the break, I know we do, it's only been a day, but...

Goddamnit. I'm lonely. I miss all my friends.

...In conclusion, I give you this: the poster from my show, with Angelo and Isabella.

Measure for MeasureCollapse )

I'm already directing these two again, and Doc as well - I signed them up for my directing project way back before they knew what they were getting into with me as a director. So that's something, at least. I really want to direct again now, too - I think I've got a taste for it.

EDIT: I just read back to one of my old entries on Lear, and I was already planning this show back then, October of last year. That's heartbreaking.


2 Travelers rode in the Tardis|Fancy a trip?

The spark of creation has grown into a roaring bonfire. [12 Nov 2009|12:30am]
[ mood | astonished ]

I am sitting here in awe of what's happening.

My show is out there. It's coming together. It's advertised on the flyers on the lunch tables, on the UVA video boards, on the website for the local community theatre. We have a fucking PROMO for god's sake. This show, this play I've been working on for eight months, this madness conceived over a year ago, that's consumed my life for so long...

In a week, it'll be a reality.

We have something great here. I can stand back and look at it and say that. As it comes together, I'm realizing it more and more. We have something truly amazing. It's not quite a show yet, but it's going to be, and when it is, oh when it is...!

This is going to be the biggest, most important thing I've done so far in my life. It's huge. And it may be consuming my life and costing me my health and sanity right now, but oh my god, it's worth it.

I'm excited again. I've got a hellish week ahead of me to make this happen, but oh I'm excited again. This is going to be tight, but I think - no, I know they can do it. I know they can. I have been gifted with an incredible cast and strong techies, and I have faith.

Oh lord, blessed lord. I'm excited again.

You all should totally come see it, by the way. I'm serious. Each one of you. Come see what's consumed my life and my soul. :D


1 Traveler rode in the Tardis|Fancy a trip?

The tempter or the tempted, who sins most? [10 Nov 2009|11:52pm]
[ mood | ecstatic ]


...Holy shit, y'all.

Nine days.


Fancy a trip?

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